Game change

It seems every time I come into a emergency room with a paitent.. I keep asking myself if I could really do the job that everyone else is doing here.. Being a nurse, a ER tech,  OR EVEN A DOCTOR.. then I start asking myself if I'm too late.  I've been working as a psych tech at a psych hospital for 6 years now.. In the beginning of my carrer I was to use this psych job as a stepping stone to get into grad school to pursue my goal of becoming a counselor.  I wanted a office and a client list and sit down and talk with people for 45 minutes at a time and help them with there day to day issues steaming from long time deep rooted issues. I was so sure that's what I wanted to do and what I was working towards.. I was 27 in 2007..now 6 years later I'm 32 and I'm still working as a psych Tech.  And I'm so unsure.  A lot of my coworkers have moved on to other things.. Some becoming nurses.. Other going on to masters programs and become thearpist and or social workers..

I've seen what the social workers do at my job.. They spend more time on the phones and dealing with rehab programs and out-paitent programs and not much time talking with the paitents themselves.. I see what the psych nurses have to go through with either lack of support from other staff and sometimes constant verbal abuse from paitents.. The stress is sometimes over whelming.. Plus I've seen it's made alot of them bitter.  Is that the life I want for myself.. A lot of the nurses have told me what a great nurse I'd be. Some of them I believe.. Others not so much.  One of the oldest coworkers at my job told me and continues to tell me that there's no money in being a counselor. My therapist disagrees.. A lot of people tell me with nursing.. Theres always a job waiting.. But the schooling and competition is hard and cut throat and of course it's nothing like what you see on TV.  My oldest coworker said I should be a radiology tech.. Since I'm good with computers.. I'll be the first to admit now that I'm not as tech savvy as I'd like to pretend I am..

Then here's the bug question.. Do I really want to listen to people's issues all day?   I'm not trying to be prideful but alot of people tell me I have a gift with people.. I can make people feel better.. My words and my tones have a soothing quality.. People can open up to me.. Lately this gift hasn't been too we used.. And I always feel drained right afterwards.. Almost like clary from the mortal instruments novels after using a rune.  But I like getting the compliments on a job well done.

My fiancé is debating about leaving his job.. Hes not happy and I know he has bigger plans for himself.. I feel that's he's luckier.. Since he's still young.. Even though we're only 4 years apart.. I keep having this feeling as if I've missed my shot of making something out of myself.  Like me being a psych Tech is all I have now.. I see what my coworker has gone through over the years and how now she makes as much money as a social work doing the same mundane tasks every day.. Enjoying her simple joys of gardening,  watching paranormal dramas, and thrift shopping.. Aswell as smoking like a tug boat..

I don't know what to do.. And any carrer descion I make I'm afraid that I might make a wring choice and be dammed for it.. Any descion I make will certainly mean continuing schooling which from my observations has proving to be emotionally or physically destructive to anyone trying to do school and hold down a full time job..

Being a psych Tech use to make me happy.. I'm trying to remember why?   I think it's because of the fear I now have.. I'm afraid of the day I walk into work and I get rolled out by ambulance again.. Or how the friends I've made at the hospital will be fired or quit because of some dick move pulled my management.. The money use to help keep me focused and I threw myself into working doubles after doubles.. But now.. The thought of working doubles is soo far from appealing to me..

For my dream job.. All I keep seeing in my mind is me.. Working in a office.. Talking with people.. Feeling that my job makes a difference in people's lives.. Me working from 9 to 5 with my weekends off.. And wearing jeans every once and a while..

That's the image I always have repeating in my head.. If I want to go out on a limb.. My really dream job would be working for a game designing company.. With coworkers who love gaming as much as I do and I could where whatever I wanted.. And sometimes work from home..

But there are many many times where I sometimes wish I was working somewhere where I didn't have to deal with people.. Period..but now my life has changed so much in the last year.. I have a fiancé.. I'm thinking of our future not only mine anymore.. Thinking of what things he would like.. And figuring out if I'm truly willing to change my personal dreams and goals..

The truth is.. I never wanted kids.. And as long as I can remember.. I never wanted to be in a house again.. Managing a house is way too much... I saw how much my mother struggled and how much I was struggling with it as well.. These first few months living in an apartment have been calming months of my life.. Despite the small issues.  I've been able to handle the bills.. No taxes no septic problems.. No upkeep.. Just live. I know he would like to live in a house.. And I wish we could have pets.. But we can't due to our landlord.. What I'm getting at really is that whatever job or carrer I pursue.. Will have to pay the bills.. Aswell as give us something to save for..

I just don't know.. I wish there was someone I could really talk to about this and to see what carrer path would really fit.. Become the counselor I'd alway dreamed I'd be.. Or a nurse.. To gerentee that I'll always have a job.. Or become a techy.. I don't know..

Wish me luck..